Have you ever found yourself needing other people to validate your decisions in order to feel good about yourself? Seeking external approval may seem normal, but it can actually be a symptom of a deeper emotional dependency. Understanding why this happens and how to change it is essential to improve our wellbeing and feel more secure.
What is external approval?
External approval is the need to receive validation and recognition from other people in order to feel valuable. It is not just about enjoying the occasional compliment; it is a constant search for affirmation that can shape how we think and feel.
Common examples:
- At work, you may feel you need recognition from your colleagues or your boss to feel competent. If you do not get it, your insecurity shoots up.
- On social media, you may measure your worth by the number of ‘likes’ or comments you get, and feel disappointed if you do not reach the number you expected.
- In your relationships, you might make important decisions based on other people’s expectations, even when they go against what you want.
The problem arises when our self-esteem becomes a boat that moves with the wind of other people’s opinions. This state of dependency can lead to a cycle of ongoing anxiety and dissatisfaction.
Why do we seek external approval?
The search for external approval has deep roots in our psychology, and those roots are often related to our childhood and to the society we live in.
Roots in childhood
Our first bonds with our parents or caregivers have an enormous influence on how we see ourselves. If we grew up in an environment where love or affection was conditional (for example, when we only felt loved if we met certain expectations), we learned to seek validation in order to feel safe.
An example of how this shows up in adults: If, as a child, your achievements were the only source of praise, you may find it hard as an adult to feel valuable unless others recognise your successes. This dynamic can lead you to seek approval constantly.
Social and cultural factors
Beyond our childhood, the culture we live in also plays a fundamental role. Social media has amplified our need for instant validation. We live in a society that rewards social acceptance, success and external approval, which reinforces the idea that we must be validated in order to have value.
The link with self-esteem
Low self-esteem also contributes to the search for external approval. When we are not sure of our worth, we need others to confirm it. This creates an emotional dependency in which our emotions rise and fall with other people’s opinions.
Reflection exercise: Ask yourself: what moments made you feel valuable without needing anyone else to validate it? Thinking about those moments can help you recognise that your worth does not depend on external approval.
How the search for external approval relates to emotional dependency
The need for external approval and emotional dependency often go hand in hand. Both involve looking outside ourselves for something we can only find within: our worth and our sense of identity.
The dynamics of emotional dependency
Emotional dependency is characterised by feeling that our wellbeing depends on another person. When we constantly seek approval, we are handing over power over our self-esteem to others.
An example of a common pattern: Imagine someone who cannot make important decisions without first consulting their partner or friends. This behaviour may seem harmless, but it actually reflects an underlying insecurity that keeps emotional dependency going.
The impact on relationships
The need for validation can put unnecessary pressure on our relationships. When we depend on others to feel good, our partners, friends or family may feel they are responsible for our emotional wellbeing. This can wear relationships down and create tension.
A tip for building emotional independence: Practise making decisions based on what is best for you, without seeking other people’s validation. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, this step is key to developing stronger self-esteem.
The consequences of seeking external approval
Living in search of other people’s approval can seriously affect our quality of life and our mental health.
Anxiety and stress
Constantly worrying about what others think creates high levels of anxiety. The idea that we might disappoint someone or fail to meet expectations becomes a heavy burden.
A realistic example: Think about how you feel when you post something on social media and it does not get the response you were hoping for. That feeling of anxiety and doubt reflects how the search for approval can control us.
Loss of authenticity
When we are obsessed with pleasing others, it is easy to lose sight of who we are and what we really want. We can end up living lives that are not true to our own wishes and needs, just to fit in or be accepted.
Reflection: How many decisions have you made lately based on what others expect of you, rather than on what you want? This exercise can help you identify how the search for approval is affecting your authenticity.
Unbalanced relationships
Relationships in which one person depends emotionally on the other tend to be exhausting. Nobody should feel responsible for someone else’s self-esteem, and this dynamic can lead to resentment or a feeling of being trapped.
Example: If you constantly need your partner to tell you that everything is fine in order to feel secure, your relationship may feel more like a burden than a source of support.
How to stop seeking external approval
Changing this pattern of behaviour is not easy, but it is possible. It is about developing a healthier relationship with yourself and learning to value yourself for who you are.
Recognise your intrinsic worth
Your worth does not depend on what others think. You are worthy just as you are, without anyone needing to confirm it. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of this basic truth.
Daily practice: Each day, write down one thing you feel proud of, something that does not depend on external validation. Make it a habit and start to internalise the idea that your worth is unconditional.
Practise self-affirmation
Self-affirmation means validating yourself and recognising your achievements and efforts, even if nobody else does. Celebrate your successes and speak about yourself with respect and affection.
A simple exercise: After doing something well, congratulate yourself out loud or write it down. This simple act can change how you see yourself over time.
Learn to say no
Saying “no” is a powerful tool for setting boundaries and protecting your emotional wellbeing. You do not need to justify every “no” you say, and you do not have to feel guilty for putting yourself first.
Practical tip: Practise saying “no” assertively. You can start with small things and build up gradually, until you feel more comfortable standing up for your needs.
Seek professional support
Therapy can be very helpful if you feel the need for external approval is deeply affecting you. Through therapy, you can explore the causes of this dependency and develop tools to build stronger self-esteem.
A therapeutic perspective: Sometimes our beliefs about ourselves are so deeply rooted that we need professional support to undo them and replace them with healthier ones.
Final reflection
Letting go of the need for external approval is a journey that takes time and effort, but the result is a freer and more authentic life. Learning to trust your own judgement and to value yourself is one of the best investments you can make in your wellbeing.
The next time you feel the need to seek someone else’s validation, remember that your worth does not depend on other people’s opinions. You can be your own best support and build a life that reflects who you really are.
If you identify with this topic, I would love to know how you have dealt with the need for external approval. Share your experience or reflect on what you have learnt along the way. Together we can keep growing and learning!
Emotional dependency