Communicating in a diplomatic and balanced way when expressing your feelings, needs and ideas, while respecting other people’s beliefs and rights and handling yourself with empathy, is broadly what is known as “assertive communication”.
Below we will look in much more depth at everything related to this valuable way of relating to others by expressing our ideas firmly, while avoiding unnecessary conflict.
What are the characteristics of assertive communication?
These are the main characteristics of assertive communication:
- It helps us to recognise our own rights while respecting those of others.
- It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without blaming or judging anyone else.
- With this kind of communication we can face each other constructively, while also finding a solution that is satisfactory for both sides when we are in a conflict.
- Put-downs, reproaches, constant attacks and attempts to discredit the other person with hurtful information are set aside.
- None of this means that we do not express our true wishes or that we should be passive. It is simply about doing so honestly and respectfully, looking for the best words and attitudes to keep the conflict from growing.
- What it mainly seeks is a balance between the right to express our opinions and needs without anyone having to be belittled as a result.
The concept of assertive communication
When we talk about assertiveness, we mean the social skill that allows us to express our feelings, thoughts and wishes in a direct way. It is also an excellent way of taking responsibility for ourselves without constantly blaming someone else.
Of course, both the context and the way we speak are very important. Someone who truly communicates assertively manages (or at least tries) to adapt both to the setting and to the moment in order to get their message across fully and clearly.
Assertive communication and behaviour
Assertive behaviour can make a big difference to our relationships with others and even with ourselves and our own needs.
Some techniques for moments of anger
Some of these strategies can be decisive when you disagree with someone. They are ideal for calming moments of anger and arguments.
We should not forget that shouting, losing our temper and insults will get us nowhere.
Fogging
- It is achieved by keeping aggressiveness in check and handling criticism without getting angry. In this way the atmosphere charged with negativity that an argument creates will begin to improve.
- Its main aim is knowing how to concede a point in an argument, but without ever losing your own point of view or your integrity.
XYZ
This technique consists of three steps (plus an additional one). Naturally, each letter (XYZ) is replaced by what you want to express.
- Step 1: “When you say or do X”: you start by clearly defining the problem, focusing on the behaviour that has bothered you, but without criticising the other person. You only talk about the actions that triggered the situation.
- Step 2: “This makes me feel Y”: this consists of describing your feelings about certain behaviours, but calmly and without being dramatic, focusing on the effects that the other person’s behaviour has on us, calmly and without assuming they meant any harm.
- Step 3: “I would have liked you to do Z” or “I would have liked to feel Z”: you explain how you would have liked things to be, specifying the behaviour you expected from the other person. All of this without pressure, accepting the other person’s freedom, and even suggesting alternatives.
- Step 4: “What would you like me to do?” / “For my part, I commit to…”: finally, we can commit to taking on our own responsibilities, doing our part so that the situation is resolved satisfactorily for both sides.
Negative assertion
- With this technique you respond to criticism by acknowledging that it is reasonable or that there is some truth in it. This, of course, is only valid when we feel that this really is the case.
Negative inquiry
- It is very useful when we sense that someone is criticising us, either directly or in a veiled way.
- To put it into practice, you respond to the criticism by asking for clarification.
Some tips for putting it into practice properly
- Be specific, without slipping into abstractions.
- Try to be concise when you speak. Avoid beating about the bush.
- Speak clearly, avoiding ambiguities that could end up distorting what you want to communicate.
- Try to be consistent with the circumstances and the moment.
There is no doubt that this is a way of communicating that can give us much healthier relationships, both with others and with ourselves. It is well worth practising, as it can make a big difference to our lives. Among other things, assertive communication will help you get through times of grief.
